I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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