my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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