Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
