Already got asked if we're dating
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
