it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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