Swine flu. Run for my life!
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
