She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
