my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
