dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
