so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
