____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
