I wish my penis had an off switch
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
