I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
