I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
