fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
