well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
