Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
