Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
What drink are we having for lunch?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
