when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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