saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
