Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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