And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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