Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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