I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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