He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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