Im at strip club and am horny
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
