god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Randomize
