Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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