My pussy is not your playground.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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