Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
