Fine. I'll sleep in my office
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
