Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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