My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
