he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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