you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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