She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
