How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
third nipple confirmed
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
