My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
