at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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