There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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