Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
