Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
