moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
