You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
