So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
