Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
