Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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