I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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