just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you inspire me to be a worse person
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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