I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
