I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
