I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
